Caregiving is one of the most challenging and unappreciated roles, and during “the month of gratitude,” it can feel even harder. It’s especially tough when you believe you have little to be grateful for — or worse when your care recipient doesn’t express gratitude for you.
Elana B. faced this firsthand as she cared for her sister through years of cancer treatment. Despite a tumultuous relationship frequently punctuated by yelling, cursing, and dismissed advice, Elana and her sister ultimately found peace. Here’s how Elana navigated those difficult times.
Moving From Anger To Peace
- By recognizing that pain is lonely: Through years of caregiving, Elana learned that pain is deeply personal — and isolating. Instead of trying to fix her sister’s suffering, she acknowledged it. Elana would often say, “Pain is lonely. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” By recognizing her sister’s physical, emotional, and existential pain, Elana conveyed empathy without attempting to solve what couldn’t be fixed. These words were magic and became Elana’s mantra.
- By laughing together: Elana’s sister felt cheated by life — her cancer diagnosis was advanced, and she worried her young children would grow up without her. In these darkest moments, when her sister was filled with anger, Elana turned to humor. She’d pull out a Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts book and read aloud. Over time, they both knew the quirky passages by heart and shared moments of laughter. It became their way to lighten the heavy burden. Finding humor together, even during pain, can be a powerful connection.
- By walking away: No one gets a pass to be abusive, no matter how much pain or sorrow they feel. Elana had deep compassion for her sister but didn’t let that excuse her sister’s bad behavior. When her sister lashed out, Elana would simply say, “Ouch,” and leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, the anger had usually subsided and they could interact calmly. This wasn’t a punishment but a way of establishing boundaries. And for Elana, this was key to maintaining their relationship and her own well-being.
Looking Ahead
Elana isn’t a professional caregiver, therapist, or counselor. She’s an ordinary person, like many other family caregivers. By respecting herself and showing compassion to her sister, she cultivated a deeper connection with someone who had been difficult to care for.
Elana’s sister eventually admitted she had not respected Elana before, but over time, she came to admire Elana’s strength and boundaries. With this newfound respect, the siblings were able to communicate more openly and make important decisions about healthcare and family matters together.
These strategies may not work for everyone. As a caregiver, it’s crucial to find what helps you manage each tough moment. Whether that’s stepping away for a break, embracing humor in the darkness, or showing yourself compassion, caring for yourself is just as important as caring for others. As Elana’s story shows, it’s okay to set boundaries, find moments of joy, and protect your own peace, even in the hardest times.
