Self-Care Support for Caregivers

“Self-care” is a term that recently returned 10,590,000,000 results on Google in 0.42 seconds. Just typing the search phrase adds more weight to my shoulders. Caregiven devotes a great deal of thought and discussion to self-care for caregivers.

Decreasing the stress and overwhelm of caregivers is a necessity, not simply for their own physical and mental health, but for the health of those they are supporting. Research indicates that confident caregivers sustain care recipients through supporting fewer emergency room visits and reduced hospital stays, as well as mitigating transitions to care facilities.

There are a number of different ways to achieve stress reduction without layering on yet another burden. For instance, meditation apps typically suggest carving out as little as 5 minutes a day for self-care, whereby you can avoid feelings of guilt for taking personal time away. You may be familiar with the popular app "Calm," which offers a free trial or may be available to you as an employee benefit. 

Although caregivers are often reminded of the importance of self-care, what I needed was the permission to take time to do whatever I wanted or needed in order to restore my energy (and sanity) so I could go about living the “caregiver life”. 

Yes, I’m an adult. When my dad was dying, I was a parent to two children under the age of 10 — further evidence of my status as an adult. Still, I wanted the permission to have erratic feelings, watch mind-numbing cat videos, hide behind a work project, or have an entire week of “breakfast for dinner.” Lacking stamina to address basic human needs, I certainly didn't find the motivation to soak in a bubble bath surrounded by lit candles while journaling about my emotions.

As I think about the ways in which I hope future caregivers look to self-care, I’d like to offer permission for the following acts of self-care that became my staples of survival:

Keep Working

Continue to work as long as you possibly can without guilt for not being ever-present with your care recipient, or not always functioning at full capacity as an employee. The idea of work being a form of self-care may seem crazy, but for me, work was a necessity. I needed one place where I felt competent and where I knew what was expected of me. A place that would exist after my father passed away and I needed to continue moving forward with my life.

Don’t Try to Do Everything

Through a friend I learned of someone they knew well, who while caring for a father in poor health and mother suffering from dementia, became so sick that hospitalization followed by bedrest was required. While this is an extreme example of a human body enforcing self-care, the situation resulted in a daughter and sister stepping in during her absence. No doubt the guilt of “burdening” others was heavier than a gravity blanket, but in reality, her confinement opened the door for others to become more proactive caregivers. 

Escape

While a physical escape may not be necessary, mental escapes are healthy and essential. An amazing mentor, Karen Law, once said that she felt guilty for playing a video game on her phone when her husband was being treated for incurable brain cancer. How she could have been playing Candy Crush when he was dying? At that moment she was escaping with a beautiful method of self-care. She shared the hope that Caregiven would offer caregivers permission to escape. We joked about using cat videos as a distraction from reality, and realized the insanity of such an idea might actually produce an effective means for relieving stress. Our platform offers the permission caregivers need to both escape and not feel guilt.

Feel and Be Real

Only after my dad's death and realization there was no pretending otherwise was I able to move beyond my assumptions that immunity to feeling and sugar-coating reality were required. I remember quite clearly the moment sitting around a dinner table with well-intentioned family members when one of my little ones said they hoped their grandfather would get better. A lot of responses such as “oh honey, of course he will” and “he’s a fighter, he’ll beat cancer” followed — I lost it. Right then, I decided as long as we pretended it wasn’t happening or that there was a way around the outcome, we wouldn’t feel and be real about the situation. Self-care was identifying the ugly, honest truth we all needed to acknowledge.

Normalize What it Means to be a Caregiver

In an article written by Karen Law, she offers that during her husband's end-of-life journey, he shared his innermost thoughts and fears with those who were interested. In making himself vulnerable he was normalizing his experience so it might resonate with others. I firmly believe that because we don’t talk about the challenge of being a caregiver, because we don’t want to burden others with emotions such as sadness or evoke pity, we add to our feelings of overwhelm and isolation. This is why openly talking about the highs and lows is not only an incredible gift to others who have been, are, or someday will be caregivers, but also to yourself. Speaking what’s in our hearts is the essence of self-care.

There are billions of articles and links that offer advice about how to take care of yourself, and admittedly this blog will add to the volume. My simple message is that being real, honoring your journey yet escaping from it as needed, and finding ways to continue living your own life are all methods to withstand the stress and overwhelm of being a caregiver. Ideally, you will identify how to release pressure without increasing burden. Caregivers don't need permission to do whatever it takes to maintain balance or feel that they must do something indulgent to check the self-care box.   

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